Actually… I’ve Been Feeling Itchy… Down There

You know when you take home some trick from Steamworks and next thing you know you find yourself tied up, screaming for help while he’s rifling through your shit and putting your exploits up on the internet? Me neither. But hypothetically, if for some reason, he gave you his actual number (I should have never trusted a 647!) or his actual email (it was Hotmail, I should have known better) and he wanted to get together with you again… Revenge time!

That’s where crabrevenge.com comes in. From merry ol’ Eng-a-land, you can buy the Green Package (a single crab colony carrying up to 30 eggs) for 14 quid, the Blue Package (three batches of 30 eggs) for 2499 p, or the Red Package (and obviously the only one anyone should buy) - one colony of “F strain super crabs”.

SUPER CRABS! “Almost impossible to get rid of… most aggressive and repoductive species on the planet! This species can take up to two weeks to get rid of and apparently bite so much they cause the victim to scratch themselves raw and we can guarantee that nothing apart from two washes of everything the victim owns and a 100% delousing solution coverage will get rid of them!”

Take that, person who opted to touch my junk! I just hope I manage to avoid scratching my balls after implantation.