Actually…how far do you want to go with this “retrosexual” thing?

Annoying trend-piece alert!

Ladies and gents, I’d like to introduce to you the retrosexual.

Surprisingly, this latest jaunt into the strange and ill-conceived world fake trends doesn’t come from the NYT Style section. Rather, it comes to us directly from the Philadelphia Inquirer (no doubt a paper owned, at least in part, by Kabletown.)

In this piece the good folks from the city of brotherly love attempt to convince us that a “menaissance” is on its way. Move over nerds and sissies…

real men are back!

Unlike the painstakingly coiffed and manicured metrosexual of the 1990s and the skinny jean and eyeliner wearing emo hipster of The Oughts, the retrosexual of the 2010s has no time for such frills.

He’s too busy “walk[ing] around campus sporting a vintage Brooks Brothers three-piecer and authentic 1960s Florsheims, [with] his trilby cocked just so.” Moreover, who has time for a mani-pedi, or picking out the perfect outfit when you’re so busy “smoking tobacco pipes, shaving with a brush and razor, and joining fraternal societies such as the Freemasons.”

Lord knows that in addition to those aprons, nothing says “manly” like spending the majority of your free time wearing big rings and hanging out in an esoteric and highly homosocial club house!

However, as masculine-ly awesome as all of this sounds, I can’t help but think that the retrosexuals have really priss-ed out on the “retro” part of this portmanteau. I say, to be a real man, you’ve gotta take retrosexuality to it’s logical extreeeeeeeeeeeeeme!

Because nothing puts the “man” back in “manly” like a little paiderastia! 

Fellas, am I right?